To the one that I didn't see before

I lit a cigarette and sat on a high bench while staring at the busy lights of the business district from our rooftop. It was a silent night  and I'm not worried that my coffee would turn cold quickly because it's as humid as hell today. Millions of thoughts have attacked my sanity. I do not have peace. It's been like this for many years now. I also thought that maybe, it's because my brain can process more thoughts than an average human being. This is perhaps how I am created. I'll put a period on that sentence.

I closed my eyes and had visions of my moments with J. It was like flickering lights showing different snippets as it flickers. The first vision is this.

J and I are having coffee in our favorite place at the not so busy part of the Lion City, just like our regular weekly routine few years ago. We speak of life. We discuss small things like how to replace dripping faucets, replacing car wheels and why do people requests for thigh part when ordering Chicken Joy. Basically, everything under the sun.

I blinked and I saw another memory.

J always say "See you again!" for J is constantly traveling for work. J would always bring me something that came from a place where J went. My favorite was a shirt which is embroidered with local Australian aboriginal art. The design means "Missing someone" J said. By the way, J hugged me so tight before leaving for that trip in the airport where everyone there could see. I felt like J was so affectionate that time, which is the opposite of what J usually is. It was my favorite "See you again" scene.

I opened my eyes and puffed another smoke, the vision changed.

I was on my way home from our office one rainy afternoon. I was released earlier than the end of our office hours for I received a letter saying that my previous company was letting me go because of redundancy. That I do not need to work anymore and I was entitled for gardening leave for a month. I immediately called J and cried over the phone. I was really devastated. J, after the phone call rushed to the common lobby of the building next to our office, where I just literally looked at the big chandelier hanging there for several minutes until J arrived. J brought me a big red velvet cake and said " This is for your happiness." We went home and I ate half of cake.

After I saw that vision, I opened my eyes and saw the Full Moon as it commanded the dark clouds to move away. It's maybe for dreamers like me to see its' beauty. But I didn't care because it's still humid.

I puffed another smoke and went back to my dream.

This time I saw a scene where J and I are watching "The notebook" in our home theatre and had this conversation after the Noah-Allie love scene. J's eyes were teary.

J: Do you think that you could love somoene who you haven't seen for 7 years?

Me: Why not? I think it's possible.

J: Maybe destiny wrote that they could not find a new person that could exceed the love thay they've been offered to each other.

Me: It's how they look at it. That's why it's called the greatest love.

J: Do you fancy to meet your greatest love soon?

Me: I'm not really sure if I fancy it J. But I am hoping I could.

J: Have you not seen it?

Me: Maybe not.

J: I'm going to get out of your life and I will write you one letter a day for a year. Will that 365 letters make you fall in love with me for the next 6 years?

Me: (Laughing). I think so, but you're not getting out of my life J. You are staying!

J: Ok

I finished my cigarette and tears have slowly escaped my eyes. I didn't dare to close it anymore. It was too painful to have remembered all of this. J had always been there for me. J never ceased to stay beside me, that J really loves me. I just didn't see it. I've just been thru a bad breakup with my ex and then I am counting all the things that I've lost. One of the damages, was my relationship with J.

With teary eyes, I took a sip of coffee and it wasn't warm anymore. 


  1. The one that got away :( We will all get through this :)


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